If you’re like me, feeling difficult emotions doesn’t come easy. It’s much easier to stuff it all down and hope that it resolves itself. Yeah…that only works for so long. At some point I realized that there was another way to deal with my emotions: through writing songs. And it wasn’t until I was 15 that I realized my words could give me the power to heal.
From left to right: me (4), my dad, and my sister (7).
Lightning and Thunder
My first song I ever wrote was at the young age of 5 titled, (you guessed it), “Lightning and Thunder’”. The lyrics went something like this: “Lightning and thunder go roar on the ground when you hear it come around.” Yep. Truly profound stuff. But a few years later is when I actually felt the shifting and shaking of the ground beneath me.
My parents divorced when I was 10 years old. It wasn’t pretty to put it nicely. My dad left and my mom was consumed by her own suffering and attempt to cope that my sister and I got lost in the mess of it all. That messiness lasted for 2 more years as the divorce wasn’t legally finalized until I was 12. My dad left, then he came back, then he left again. Talk about lightning and thunder.
If you’re a child of divorced parents, I’m sure you can relate. No matter how cordial your parents are with each other throughout the process, that’s still your once stable family unit crumbling before your eyes.
So what do you do when you have all these huge emotions bottled up inside because your parents are too wrapped up in their own issues? Well, for me, I chose to write.
Confessions of a Broken Heart
I grew up in the Church of God and would attend lots of youth events. One of these events was in Orlando, Florida called IYC (International Youth Convention). On one of the days, there were various “talks” you could choose to attend. I only chose the one that I did because I knew the speaker (I don’t actually even remember the title of the “talk”).
The speaker started talking about forgiveness and healing and yada yada yada. I’d heard people talk about that topic a million and one times and didn’t really care to hear about it again. In retrospect, I imagine I was avoiding the topic as it was what was weighing most heavily on my heart at the time. It wasn’t until the speaker showed a music video by Lindsay Lohan (random, right?) called “Confessions of a Broken Heart” that my hardened heart had begun to soften.
The video is filled with clips of a young Lindsay crying because she hears her parents having loud screaming matches right outside her bedroom door. Then it shows Lindsay falling apart as an adult when she finally “confessed” that her heart had been broken by all of the traumatic events. So, you can probably guess what I did after seeing that. My 15-year-old self was in a pile of tears.
I hadn’t let myself feel all of the pain, anger, and grief from the recent dismantling of my family. And this experience provided me the opportunity to finally do so.
An image from IYC in Orlando, Florida in 2010 taken on my very low-quality flip phone ;)
Broken…but I’m Okay.
As soon as I got home from that convention, I got out my guitar and jotted down some lyrics in 20 or so minutes. I’d written songs before but they always took a LOT of time and work (as much work as a 15-year-old could put into a song, at least). But this one was different. It was almost like an out-of-body experience. After I finished, I set the pen down and played the entire thing without realizing the significance of the words I had just written.
I asked my mom to come upstairs and listen to my newest creation. She was used to hearing sub-par pieces about dogs or boys (haha). As soon as I finished singing it to her, I looked up and she was crying. My mom never cried in front of me so I was stunned!
I don’t remember all of the details of the conversation my mom and I had after that, but what I remember most is that she was deeply moved. She then had me play it for some of her friends, then for some of her students, then for some strangers at church events. Like, what was it about this song?! Why would so many people want to hear it? !
Well, now I know.
The song is titled “Broken”. It paints a painful yet beautiful picture of what can happen when we confess and then heal from our hurt. Confession leads to freedom. The freedom to heal and the freedom to forgive.
This song helped me start the process of forgiving my dad for the hurt he had caused our family.
This song helped me to understand all of the big emotions I had about the divorce that I couldn’t explain until they were placed in a song.
This song helped me understand that it’s easier to forgive someone when they’ve already been forgiven by the One who sees ALL of the mess inside each person.
This song showed me that I can be broken from my circumstances, but still “okay” because in my soul, I’ve always been whole.
Writing this song helped me to heal.
Here are the lyrics to “Broken”:
Verse 1
My life, it’s colder now.
I need a reason to keep breathing.
This place is so unsafe.
Take me away, away.
Pre Chorus
‘Cuz I can’t suffer for this long.
I can’t be trapped by burdens so strong.
It’s my time now to say what you’ve done.
And it’s your time now to actually listen.
Chorus
I was broken by all of your words.
You hurt me, but I was not heard.
You tore us apart ‘cuz you did not stay.
But I’m okay.
Verse 2
The scars are not healed.
When you said “love”, I prepared my shield.
But I know God forgives.
That’s how I get through everyday,
That’s how I live.
Pre Chorus
Chorus
Bridge
And I’m okay ‘cuz Jesus died for him.
And I’m okay ‘cuz he’s been forgiven.
And I know that this past will no longer be,
But I need to confess so I can be free.
Chorus
If you’d like to listen to the song, click here.
From left to right: my mom, me, and my dad. Both are remarried to separate people, but I still have a relationship with each of them. Healing is possible.
Thank you for listening to a part of my story. I hope you can find the courage to confess your hurts and the freedom to heal from them. <3
-Maddie, Marketing Manager at Vibe Music Academy
